I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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