I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Randomize
