I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
pray to the hookup gods
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
