please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
