Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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