I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
