So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
