Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
