i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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