I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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