I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
