there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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