I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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