I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
