Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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