So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm getting married
To pizza
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
