he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
