so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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