I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
