Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
