I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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