So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
