so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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