Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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