roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
