The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
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