If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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