I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
