I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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