i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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