I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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