I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm like, not good at living.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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