My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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