Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
