I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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