I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize