right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
