Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
