Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
