True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize