If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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