There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
