I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
