By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
