Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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