Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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