Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
