just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
