you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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