I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
