Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
