I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
