thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
