Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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