all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
