I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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