Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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