I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Randomize
