I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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