Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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