we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
