i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
He had one of those small greek statue penises
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
