i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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