ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
