thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
