Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
