I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
