I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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