What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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