I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
