and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
