This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
