It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
