I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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